Do 'you' stop having sex?

What would you do if the guy you have been dating told you he is HIV positive? Many withdraw and feel rejected once diagnosed with HIV virus.  Sometimes characterized by a feeling  of guilt and worthlessness.

Getting back into dating can be quite daunting for the HIV positive individual. It is common for some to totally withdraw from the dating scene and stop having sex, because they see themselves as damaged goods and fear rejection. When to disclose is a question asked by HIV positive people of all races, we interviewed gay men in Kenya and the fear is very real. The stigma of being HIV positive is still a major issue in the gay community, which is ironic given the statistics of HIV prevalence, among heterosexual.

The decision to disclose to potential love interests or sex partners is a very personal one and shouldn't be taken lightly. Once you have uttered those words, I am HIV positive, you can’t take them back. The community lack understanding  that being HIV positive is not a death sentence, about how difficult it is for some brothers to disclose,

“It is not a big deal, if only he was honest to disclose his HIV status, but would always ensure strict practice of safe sex”. Said Sam John

What would you do if the guy you have been dating told you he was HIV positive? Is it a deal breaker? According to many men who talked to the freedom in speech many feel that they cannot date a person who is positive if they know beyond reasonable doubt that they are negative.

“It’s a project never, i cannot date a person who is positive because that is exposing myself to unnecessary dangers. Said peter a 25yrs gay man.  Jeff Mwangi is also such man who feels has even called off his relationship after his partner disclosed he was HIV positive. Though he admits to have been strongly attached to the man the revelation came as a shocker that he had to call it quit.

George Omondi who has lived positively for the last five years admits it has not been easy,“I would not wish to date a man without disclosing my status but the stigma that accompany the disclosure makes me prefer to let the sleeping dog lie. However this keeps on haunting me because some times we may  have a condom bust but still would fear to tell the truth though i would insist on getting emergence drugs peps”.

Would your decision be based on emotion and irrational fear or facts? Would you ditch the greatest man you ever met 

because of his HIV status?

Sexual neglect. Huh?

If sexuality is fluid, How do I know whether I am gay or non- gay. I wonder how people discover their sexuality. I am 42 year old and have neither been married nor has no children.

I have had several failed relationships but have led the life of a bachelor for most of my life. I always had a very strong relationship with my mother; always close to

each other and she counsel me a lot.

Absolutely i have nothing that suggests I can be nothing but heterosexual, my bulk muscled chest and the environment that I live in would indicate I am very “straight”. My active past of relentless pursuit of woman was a hurdle in the beginning of my current relationship and he still most of my pal are females.

A place where many women labelled me womanizer and truly, while single, I seemed to have an absolute obsession with women. I rarely ever go on social site anymore for fear that will get more and more women hitting on me. 

But if you look a little harder into my life, you will see my porn collection is predominately of "gay sex". I kiss the bottle a bit too many and less inhibited when under the influence at which time I admit to a few "bi" experiences and loves same sex act with dildos and once I took my girlfriend to a popular gay club.

When sober, all these exhibitions disappear but still, always prefer cuddling with men to sex. To be sincere I am yet to have sexual encounters with my many girlfriends not once it looks strange but I cannot explain either. In fact, while sober, rarely ever even touches her "there" except some circumstances when a lady tried to drag my manhood to sex.

My current girlfriend has the sex drive and a figure that most men would love from a woman. Yet she is left sexually frustrated and misses out on many intimate pleasures. Even kissing is limited to sweet pecks. Passionate kissing is another deprivation. Only when I push her too far that I manage to suddenly “pull out” momentarily.

She has tried to end the relationship more than once, but, despite it all, we seem to share a love that runs far deeper than the flesh and neither has any idea how to let go. Aside from the sexual incompatibility, as a man I will do anything for her, wants her at my side 24/7.I also pressures her to move in with me.

Even my neighbours talk about how much we love each other. But is she to give in to a life of sexual neglect? Repeated discussions and occasional fights have done some but minimal good to change things. And who wants to force someone to do anything, or be someone they're not? Not I.

Gay cops living on the down low

They are forced into ‘straight’ relationships to navigate the conservative world of the police force.

Being a cop is tough, being a gay cop is tougher.

"Life in the closet is hell and I hope to one day be able to express my love my partner openly without any fear,” says Jamo Kamau (not his real name), a gay cop who joined the force 12 years ago.
As a teenager, Kamau realised he was attracted to boys not girls but suppressed his feelings. It was only after he was sexually assaulted by a police offer while he was a 20-year-old trainee that he came to terms with his sexual orientation.

In his third week in college, he started getting favours including boots and new uniform from a senior officer. He was soon to learn why the officer paid him special attention. Two month into the training, the officer requested Kamau to accompany him to a secluded place at the training camp. “You are the ‘hottest’ dude I have ever seen, if you don't mind I want you to be my long-term partner  not a ‘fuck mate’," the officer told him as he drew  closer and suggestively reached for his  lips.

Kamau was confused because he read that only white people were in same-sex relationships.
He tried to wrestle free but the officer drew his gun and he gave in. After the traumatising experience, Kamau threatened t to report his tormentor but the officer later sought him out in the company of four colleagues and showered him with gifts. Before leaving they threatened to shot him should if he revealed the incident to anyone.

Ironically the traumatic incident made him confront the feelings he had suppressed since high school.

“I never did it again in college but for sure missed it,” he says giggling.
After graduation he was deployed to upper eastern where he met his first partner, a gay cop. Kamau admits he has had short lived relationships with other gay cops.
He says his experiences enable him to deal sensitively with sodomy cases.

Ken Mutinda (not his real name) is another police officer who realised he was gay in college. As a 19-year-old trainee he experienced “some strange feelings” but did not act on them. His colleagues often referred to him as a woman due to his feminine characteristics which he says he wasn't aware of. Others called him “homo”.

But this all changed during his third month in college when an officer who always treated him harshly approached him and reassigned him some duties around the house. After a few minutes he invited Mutinda into the house for coffee and to watch a movie. By "coincidence” it was a gay movie. “We watched for a few minutes before he ejected it from the DVD player and asked my opinion about homos. Kila nyani kwa starehe zake. (Every person has his own taste)," Mutinda replied.  The officers replayed the movie which they watched as they cuddled. “From then we ‘dated’ and had quickies whenever the situation presented itself.” Mutinda says the force is very conservative. “I often date women to fit in and live up to the stereotype that a policeman’s life is about, money, beer and ladies.

Unlike Kamau and Mutinda who were confused about their orientation Mark Baraza was a gay activist when he joined the police at age 25. But in college the strict rules made him hide his preference and date women.

Today he is married with a child, to cover up that he is gay. “It’s just a cover up. I am not bi-sexual,” he says.
Kamau is concerned that young gay men lack discipline and blackmail their married partners. His marriage is now in trouble after his ex-partner revealed his identity to his wife after a break up. His wife created an account masquerading as an interested gay man. He fell for the trap and had to reveal the truth to his wife.  He now fears she might leave him taking their child with him.